i really wonder if you know how you affect me, how you hurt me and how you make me feel. i swore never to fall into the same trap again. and here i am, in a similar but perhaps more fucked up situation. shrugs. i'm tired. and i still need to clean up this mess that is my room and my life. god i can't even navigate around my room anymore with the clothes hanging everywhere. haha. laundry day.

i'm ridding myself of everything now. going back to the fundamental basics. what i came here with.

i don't quite like the way ________, and i'm even more angry at myself for letting it happen. miniscule is the word. i hate feeling like that. and i never used to feel like that. no matter how much shit happened, i never doubted myself. and yet here i am now, falling into the same thing that took me so long to pull myself out of. it took me so long to be happy with who i am. and yet just a few conversations, and i'm doing things i wouldn't normally do. god i'm a mess aren't i.

'I don't like what i've become with you, Ellen. My whole life revolves around you and Sam. I have nothing else. I feel useless and redundant... I just have to get away from this.'

that just keeps resounding in my head. ellen and jon's words are running through my heads. snippets that keep flashing that remind me of the situation i'm in. 'i've spent too long coming to terms with myself'. i really can't deal with the factors that are turning my life upside down inside out anymore. i need to walk away, for myself, for my sanity and for me to keep on believing.

don't you find that life is such a mix of ironies. when you actually start clearing the mess up, physically emotionally mentally, its when you actually make it the worst it will ever be, then can it improve. the curve has to dip before it can start rising. same like my room. since i started cleaning up, its the messiest its ever been. same like how the sky is the darkest before the sun rises. how its the calmest before the storm. haha.

i want to go back and sit and watch the stars at night. so many things with me revolve around stars. haha.

i realise the people whom i hold dearest to me, are those that dare to stop me. care enough to tell me to stop. slap me to wake me up. they are those who force me to eat. force me to stop drinking diet coke. tell me to walk away. scold me when they think i'm fucking up. haha. and how my heart fills with love when i think of them. they keep me going, they keep me together, and i'm ever so grateful for that. cos i'm desperately needing that now.

i'm talking in circles. as usual.